Its been awhile but do you ever find your conversations with your mate need a back-up? do a dictaphone when he is not looking? I dont know if people honestly forget of what you spoke of or they really just wasnt listening at the time.. hasnt happen for a while between my husband and I , but I sure remember the days when I thought...mannnn I am going to write this stuff down, that too probably would be ineffective. I guess it gets better when your older...HA! I have had selective hearing on and off so I too am guilty.

Sherri

I don't know if this is the case with you and your husband, but many women have the habit of wanting to drone on and on, whining but not wishing to work towards a solution. Men often tend to learn to filter this out. This leads to a break down in communication.

Bringing up ancient history and recording things to use against them in the future isn't really constructive either. If you have a problem with your SO figure out what some acceptable solutions to the problem would be before you open a discussion about it, then work towards the solution or a compromise once you do.

Relationships are fluid. So anything said 6 months ago may or may not apply today. It doesn't mean the person lied or that they didn't mean what they said, it just means it is different.

Regardless of who said what when. Don't fight about it, acknowledge that one person heard one thing and the other person remembers saying another thing and make now the spot to start from.

Don't worry about the past, worry about the now.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Unless it wasn't up there with "I am pretty sure I said that I didn't want you sleeping with another person" then what was said and what was promised isn't a big deal.

That said, I rarely understand your posts and what you are asking so I may not have answered accordingly

Bringing up ancient history and recording things to use against them in the future isn't really constructive either. If you have a problem with your SO figure out what some exceptable solutions to the problem would be before you open a discussion about it, then work towards the solution or a compromise once you do.


I am the more quiet one in the relationship, he comes to me to get me to talk because he figures it strange that I dont. In this..he strikes up conversations and through the configuration with it all, I give my point of view. He then forgets it. If it comes up again, he changes the story a bit so it makes me think, he wasnt listening or he too has selective hearing. No biggie, I think he just has things on his mind. So I think, maybe sometimes I should write the important things down, so he doesnt forget...not me. No I'm not a yacker, never was...same issue arose in the first marriage on my behalf, but he was a yacker..he-he.

No infidelity, we practice monogamy out of love and commitment as most, we give each other plenty of space and wiggle room. We seldom ever argue if at all, and respect each other with words, no profanity..its always been that way...just gets to me when he initiates conversations that tend to fly over his head, good man..will never find one like him again.,,as with most relationships...a little overtime with conversations may ease the tension of the guess work. Ya I need to do this..

Sherri

with the ex, there are times when I wish I had recorded him while in a drunken stupor, unfortunately I would of had to admit that I was no better since I was there to record him, instead of taking the high road sooner and getting the hell out!

There is only one true moment that I can honestly say that I wish I had, for so long he accused me of a specific issue, if i had a tape, video, something to play back to him so that I could say, 'No, this was all you, I did try to leave and you wouldn't have any of it, so now, guess what?' and here's the proof. Oh well, wouldn't really make a difference now I guess and not so sure i really care that much to even want to deal with it.

Hey Puter...my ex denies ever physically attacking me on several occasions ya to this very day he denies it..Funny thing, bad though, he landed himself in a nursing home as of 4 months ago out of his own drunken stuper...fell outside of his home..was upside down for 20 hours caught in the door..it shut all his organs down, so he now is in a wheel chair and has dialysis 3 times a week. Not expected to live a long life at all, I forgive him of the past and taking me apart of course..but now that he is in a bad way and can no longer drink, he has lots of time to re-think through the past..the man is only 48 and he is losing his battle with life over many ignorant and wavering choices..his second marriage collapses and my children would tell me upon their visits..that he brought me up way to many times..how I did this and did that for him and she was not operating out of his expectations..needless to say that marriage failed. To bad he never woke up to our life together could have been great..then again I would have never met Mike and that would have been a true shame not to have ever crossed his path..

Sherri

@delilahjed44 --
For years, and its been close to 5 now, i've tried to convince myself that issues with the ex were resolved on my part, mainly due to he was drunk and doesn't remember, well i have one that to this day gets to me, regardless. Nobody has ever been told the truth because he was drunk when it happened, he had a heartattack that was put on my shoulders by one of his friends and so I never said anything to the contrary of what he had accused me of, til now.
In Feb 03, we had gone to a Valentine's dinner at a club hangout, although at the time I had no clue, but have since learned that this was when he not only was drinking, but also experimenting with speed. Anyway, we had gotten to the club at about 7ish, by 8:30, I was told to take him home by the club owner or they would call the cops to have him removed. Not only had he started making comments about some of my friends, but he was all over the dance floor with the music they used during the dinner. So at this time, he was wasted on alcohol and speed. Anyway, so we are leaving, im pissed and not saying much, he gets in the car and says, fine if your going to be pissed and not talk, neither will i', thankfully it was a quiet ride home, unfortunately he didn't pass out like i'd hoped.
As he had made the night really miserable, and he was already getting mean, I had planned to drop him off, get him in the house and head to my moms. So, while i was gathering my stuff for the night, he had gotten out of the car and was sitting outside in one of the lawn chairs, mind you, Feb, cold and raining, I knew if i just left he'd freeze out there, so I went outside and said, 'are you coming in, it's cold out here', his response, and favorite towards me was 'leave me alone bitch', so i snapped back, 'freeze your f'n ass off then'. At this point and time, the chair went flying up against the wall of the house, he was pushing me up next to the steps of the wood stove, and pretty much attacked me right there, ok, not pretty much, he did. I got pregnant that night. I lost the baby in my 6 and a half month, not by him though. After the night I got pregnant, our relationship pretty much ended, despite his attempt to do the right thing, that ended quickly, in anycase, after losing the baby, he had just come home from Chicago, I was sitting on the couch and he rubbed my stomach and happily said, is it really gone? That in itself was and is still hard to deal with, however it's more of a stab in heart having him tell me that I, me, got pregnant knowing he didn't want any kids. As for why nothing has ever been told to him, when he returned from Chicago, with everything that happened, everything just blew up, we ended our relationship for good, I actually tried and/or considered killing myself, thats how bad of a person he was able to convince me that I was. If it werent for the help of a really good friend who was a police officer that I had known since I was 18, and whom was called on by responding fellow officers, my children would be without a mother today. I never told Kevin what really happened the night i got pregnant or the night I left the house for good, when he had his heartattack in December, I was in Arizona, his friend called and blamed his stress on me. So I have always taken that to heart and cant forgive myself for that, im trying, but still havent succeeded.

As i said, its been almost 5 years now, it took about 2/3 years to find myself again and work through these issues that haunted me for so long, and I have done remarkably well in doing so. I am the happiest i've ever been and moving forward.

As i said, its been almost 5 years now, it took about 2/3 years to find myself again and work through these issues that haunted me for so long, and I have done remarkably well in doing so. I am the happiest i've ever been and moving forward.


Hey Puter..I understand this fully, it does take time to heal and one must do it alone ( away from any other committed relationships ) in order to get somewhere back between normal/sane..

You know, back in 1990..when I myself landed in the hospital..I remember asking God for death a week before this..I was more than serious..well he allowed me to go through an unrelenting experience..I have recovered..

Gosh..I would have left my babies with that monster, so I do understand how one can arrive to a place of no hope what-so-ever..truly I do..

Time is a great healer, we learn so much more and become better people if we allow ourselves to come under an umbrella of love seeking help from others..I cant fathom being called names again or physically get plowed when not expecting it..why do we always hope the best when it is clear nothing will change, I saw a young woman in the store the other day..she looked just like I did, big balck eye, I wanted to grab her and say..honey he aint worth it and he isnt going to change...

I told my husband about it later and he said, how do you know the door didnt hit her..I said trust me I know..and that would have been my excuse..

You see someone said this to me but it took me a time to wake up and realize that the marriage was no longer a suitable path for my children and me..

Puter dont you let your ex's heart attack ever be in your minds eye that it was your fault..time did this damage to him..look..you lost your lil baby..how awful could that have been..wow 6 months..I surely feel for you..but dont you worry, the baby is now with Jesus..in this we can rejoice..but you owe your husband nothing..no apologies nothing..I still work on forgiving my ex so it doesnt ruin my day when depression strikes and old wounds seem to open back up and throw me into a tailspin. I have a hard time with it all, but that was then and this is now..I have finally passed 12 years of the first marriage and now 13 in the second..for me this is a good thing..a very good thing. They say it takes the same amount of years to heal as what damage has been done in an abusive marriage.. wow!!

Sherri

Holy wall of text Batman! Paragraph breaks please.

Hey had to change post

As I was typing what has been a haunting part of my past, where to put the paragraphs just wasnt my top priority, sorry, just imagine it's properly formatted.

@delilahjed44

As a fellow survivor, and im sure there are more than just you and I, I commend you for getting out and breaking a cycle. Fortunately for me, although marriage was discussed, it never went that far. As with you, I am happily married to the true man of my dreams, through all the craziness that eventually helped me to grow up, I realized what I really wanted in life and in a relationship, and I found all that plus a million times more in him, it's a great experience.

Oh. Sorry. I didn't read it, just saw the wall of text.

RAS!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! will you behave?? he-he

Puter he lets that IQ of his get the best of him...I myself dont do to well with paragraphing at all, or punctuation..several of the ole boys here in this forum wrap words up in post I have to sift through very carefully or stand the chance to be chewed up and spit out..I enter at my own risk..

Hey IQ, I'm going to create a post on that one..Ok Ras yours should be soring...

Sherri

Puter..Hi!!

You and I are known as survivors of such existence.. just think of those who will be swallowed up in this living in the coming future and now as we speak..odd thing but I notice I cross these womens path alot,,so I can identify. I have helped several through difficult hardships in their passing of this thing we call time. Some went forward..some did not. I have witnessed in this forum the hearts of true good men, who know how to share and give..yet around the corner may be one who hides with the disease of abusing others..and as I have understood this is as well with women abusers to men. Women dont physically abuse men but they sure can mentally torture a good man and his thought. I know two such cases..its rather freakish to me and was un-aware of it till as of recent..so I guess that ball gets tossed around both ways..just different kinds of anguish under the spell of someones cursed heart..usually derivatives from their child rearing days.

For you and I the welcome days are here, finally..if I have to battle this life with a mate I want a gentle tiger..luck/blessings have found me..if I could not have the treasure through all of life, as some may have experienced, then I would rather towards the end of life than the beginning, seems to be my lot..I am fairing well but have climbed many mountains to sustain my walk..just a dot on the universe with so many millions of stories, they all amaze me..

Sherri

I will try to behave. I do apologize. If I had read what "puter" said, I likely wouldn't have picked nits over the paragraph breaks.

You don't need to worry about being "spit up and chewed out" so long as you're honest. And I believe you're always honest.

Hey Ras!
Thanks on this immensely..

Sherri

As for Rasczak and behaving...I didn't take the request to add paragraphs as an insult or a personal dig against me, I've learned to avoid taking things seriously that don't directly affect me or my family and/or our well being.

If I had gone back through and read what I was going to post, then there may have been several paragraphs added, life on a regular basis is sometimes stressful enough, no need to sweat the small stuff.