Going to make this short and sweet, this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't type things.....

A friend has confided that she never told the ex about their daughter. Apparently there was an encounter within the last week or so in which she ran into a mutual friend of theirs and the person commented on how much she, the daughter looked like him, i guess she told the person that she wasn't and went on her way, in a hurry....

Before racking her over the coals for not telling him, let me say in her defense that he is a heavy drinker, abusive emotionally, and known on occasion to be physically abusive as well. Prior to the split, he kept telling her how much he despised her, she ruined his life over the years and constantly reminded her how much he despised the thought of being a father. She had hoped that it was all his drinking that was doing the talking, unfortunately that wasn't the case. Due to an accident, she almost lost the baby, she told him and he told her not to use medical assistance to try and save it, well she did. Knowing that he would be pissed at what she had done, she told him she lost it. At this time he ended the relationship, kicked her out of the house and out of his life, at the time. It has now been 4 years. Although she has seen him on occasion up until about a year or 2 ago, she has not told him about their daughter.
She wants to tell him now because she is afraid that the mutual friend will say something, i've seen how mean he can be first hand, not the physical part, but emotionally, he has that down to an art. I want so much to tell her to keep him away from their daughter, but not sure if I can. As a friend to her I want to support her decision, but as a mother myself, it worries me.
Is this the time where I have to admit that it's not my place to say anything?

I doubt that. She probably wants to tell him because she longs to reestablish a relationship with him again.

I thought that at first too, however she has been involved in a relationship for i think a year now, the guy she is with is real good with her kids, she had an opportunity to see the other guy less that a month or so ago and didn't give him a second thought when he asked. So, i don't think that is the case anymore. I think alot of it has to do with guilt and then the fear of what he'll do or say finding out from someone else.
Who knows, maybe he already knows and just prefers to keep it the way it is now, who knows?????

If I understand the story rightly, she should absolutely keep the girl away from Mr. Mean. You have a responsibility, I think, to tell her that as a friend. A wise person once told me, "Before they make a decision, it's advice; after they make the decision, it's criticism." If she's that torn up about it, she'll probably appreciate some advice. Once she decides, then it's time to support whatever decision she did make.

Hope my two cents helped.

i have to agree with this...

i would keep him away, support her in going through this. i dont know about the legal point if he is the actual father, but im sure he is better of far away...

Just returned from a good heart to heart with her, although she feels he has the right to know, her current decision is to leave things as they are. If this person that saw their daughter should say something to him, then she'll deal with it at that time, but for now, she knew he didn't want a child when she had her and will not contact him. I agreed that it was a good decision based on the possibility that he may take resentment out on the little one, and she's the innocent one.

Exactly. And I don't know the guy, but if he really is that toxic, then he doesn't have a right to be around the child. Especially since he wanted her to abort in the first place. In my mind, that forfeits his rights.

I don't think you have any reason to get involved. Unless the mother sues him for child support, he has no reason to consider the child might be his. If she wants him out of their life, and he still doesn't want to be a father, I doubt there is anything to worry about.

And he doesn't have the right to know anything. It's none of his business.

It will be 4 years in Sept, and her view on it is that she made the choice to have her, so she hasn't asked for anything, nor does she plan on it. As for whether or not she is his, oh yeah, no doubt...although she has never met him, not only does she do some of the things he does, but she is a spitting image of him, only she is cuter of course....

She decided to keep things as is. If he should ever cross paths with them and question her, then she'll consider whether to come clean or not. But at this time, he has not shown any change whatsoever.

Good woman. I like her principles.