This thread is fork of this one; Advice for coping with disillusionment and betrayal
Rather than take that thread off course I decided to start anew.

How do parents learn to trust the decisions of their children?

What is 'being strict'?

I start with a recent phone call I received from one of my daughters.

Sarah is in her final year of a masters degree for clinical psychology. She had some special classes to attend regarding body image.

During the class, the professor asked all the females in the room if they were object of 'fun' (ridicule) talk at the dinner table by males in the family? All the females in the class raised their hands except Sarah. The next question was to the entire class of whether or not they were the object of such ridicule. Once again, Sarah was the only person to not raise her hand.

The professor asked Sarah why she was not treated in such a way. She informed the professor that it was not allowed in our house. Not only that, but t.v. sitcom shows which encourage such back and forth banter were not allowed to be viewed in our house.

The phone call I received from my daughter that day was a 'thank you' for my strict control of not permitting an atmosphere of ridicule in the home.

At the time of course, I was taking a lot of heat for not being more permissive.

As a consequence, my family is very close, and we are all respected by one another here. As a father, I am now reaping the rewards of being tough minded while my kids were young and impressionable

I try to keep tabs on what decisions my kids face and guide them. If I trust their decision, I tell them - if I don't trust their decision, we talk about it, and I advise them, or end up ordering them to make the right one. I always try to let them figure it out on their own first.

Being strict is loving your kids.

I am not a parent, but I can tell you how my parents learned to trust me. Over time they saw the decisions I made, the friends I made and such. They saw my good decisions and my bad ones. They saw me stop making many of the bad ones, and start making more of the good ones and I think that is when I started earning their trust. My parents started putting a lot of trust in me near the end of middle school (grades 6-8). In High School they started trusting me more and more. By my senior year of High School they didn't really care much where I was going, but I still told them. I think I have their full trust now and it is something very dear to me because my brother doesn't have anywhere near the trust I had when I was his age.

I think the main think is not about "trust" but about openness..

As long as you and your parents/children can openly talk about any issues, or just anything, then i don't see a this as the greatest gift you can imagine.
If this feeling exists, then it brings trust with it, since you know that if there is an issue, it will be discussed.

Sounds great. My question to you is; are you and your brother the only two children your parents have?, and is it your brother or parents who are making it difficult with trust? Just curious

I also can't give the parent's perspective, but I have also been very fortunate in the amount of freedom given to me by my parents. Basically, instead of laying down rules and punishing me and my brother, they explained exactly why such-and-such was dangerous. They made sure that we understood where they were coming from in their disagreement with my decisions, but ultimately it was my choice. They told me whether or not they approved, but then they left it to my conscience to make the right choice. This turned out to be pretty effective, and I actually made it all the way through teenagerhood without ever fighting with my parents or even my brother for that matter. That said, we did banter at the dinner table a fair bit, which honed the skills required to survive being a girl in engineering.

As to the question of what is too strict... one of my best friends in high school had what I would call "too strict" parents. Until she was 16, she was not allowed to get in a car with a teenage driver, and in a very rural location where the only means of public transportation was hitchhiking (also not allowed in her house), that was essentially banning her from seeing her friends outside of school. She was also not allowed to walk to the lake on her own, which was about ten minutes from her house. There were many other rules, but those are just some of the extreme examples. In any case, her relationship with her parents is definitely not good, and she actually ended up moving out to live with her grandparents during grade 12.

Basically, I think what it comes down to is parents need to understand their children, know who their friends are, and recognize what is truly risky and what is not. Perhaps not allowing someone to walk down the road is reasonable in a sketchy neighbourhood of a city, but in a place where people leave the keys in the ignition when they go to the store I don't think it's really a concern.

Just a young guy here too but my parents I think took the right approach. You start out strict and ease up as your kids get older. Especially if in the teenage years (like my brothers and sisters) you have to get more strict it just makes things worse, whilst if you were strict to begin with and start to ease up and let them gradually make more decisions for themselves they arent so rebellious. My 2 bob.

I'm a young person too, and my recent bad experience with a pervert who tried to impersonate himself as a good friend has made me more aware of how important parents are in everything. Once I decided to tell my mom about the whole situation, and even told her about the fact that I had posted on an online forum seeking advice, she knew where to go from there, and she didn't do anything extreme like banning me from going outside the house without supervision. I feel openness with parents is the best way to go in any crisis, even if it might hurt them at first. Most parents only want what is best for their children or teens. If there is an atmosphere of trust on both sides, problems will be solved much better than you trying to solve them on your own.

@bcasanov: sorry I suggested trying to work out your problem on your own in the other thread. I misunderstood your level of trust with your parents, and I'm glad you have it all out in the open.

It seems we all agree that trust and communication is the way to go. How do you all feel about punishment for transgressions? Personally, I think that if a kid is caught doing something the parents don't like, it's important to explain why they don't like it, how it could hurt them, and what they should do in the future to make it more safe. For example, teenagers willgo out and get drunk - I don't think it helps at all to ground them for a month after doing so. Instead, it seems like a better idea for the parents to help them appreciate alcohol (i.e. letting them have beer or wine at dinner), and to offer to come pick them up at a party instead of having them drive home drunk and that sort of thing.

Maybe it's reasonable to send a 5-year-old to their room for having a tantrum, but once a kid is old enough start really getting into trouble, I don't think straight up punishment is the right approach.

I am not an advocate of punishment at all. Nor do I agree with the idea of withholding oneself or ones love from children. Rather, I agree with consequences for bad decisions. Those consequences tho are sometimes better being 'controlled' by parents rather than actual accidental or natural consequences.

Much in the way of decision making with young people is reflective of their relationship with parents. Age appropriate open discussions are definitely key in my opinion to a healthy perspective for youth.

I have had to on occasion restrict freedom for my children based on occurrences in their daily life. There is a huge difference in restricting freedom because one loves their kids and has to feel like they are in control or are simply not sure what else to do. It is also easy for adults to mistake the the differences.

For a person who has experienced so called 'love' as being controlled, control is love to them unless and until they learn differently. Equally, if a person has been taught love as being overly submissive or permissive, they are very likely going to express it the same way.

I'm a fairly new parent. Okay ... to be honest, I'm clueless

Ideally, I try to give my kids as much freedom as possible. Although it requires balance. The more harm something might cause (as I perceive it) the more I'm likely to dig my heals in and not allow something.

For example, for about a year my daughter (2 1/2) liked to climb up on furniture like a monkey. But it took me a bit to realize that it's easy, if you are panicked, to pull her off the chair and startle her worse than if she actually fell. I mean, sometimes, it's just easier to just let her flip out of a chair, get a little bruise, and then remind her of it the next time she's climbing around on the chair. If something is going to break her neck though, I'm less flexible on the approach. So whether I am 'strict' or not depends on the level of potential harm.

I think what differs in parenting styles though (like between me and my parents), is what we see as harmful. The basic principle of trying to protect someone is the same. But one person may see something as harmful, that another person sees as beneficial (religion is a good example). Maybe it's partly subjective. Or based on the personal experiences of the parents (even if it's an atypical experience)

Yaaarrrrgggg, put this in your toolbox for a little later:

TEASPOT

Take
Everything
Away
Short
Periods
Of
Time

If you aren't going to disagree with me out of reflex, I'll be happy to explain more about how it works.

Sure, I'm interested in hearing about it. We've been using the "1-2-3 magic" approach mostly.

Basically, and again this is for older kids - elementry school age, you take away all their priveledges for a short period of time when they do something wrong. The younger, the shorter.

The trick is the short period of time. Say you take everything away for the rest of the day for a kindergarden age kid, they'll just get used to it and after an hour, that's the world as they know it, and they're looking for something else. So maybe you take everything away for half an hour. When they get close to middle school age, then maybe take everything away for half a day or even a whole day.

During teaspot, my kids are allowed to read a book of their choice, or write. That is the only two activities permitted.

Also, you want to use verbal warnings before you sentence them. But its a great way to desalate things and substitutes yelling or spanking.

Thanks for that Rasczak. I'll keep it in mind.

Philosophically, it seems that parents should make all the decisions that the kids are incapable of making. The ones that the kids are capable of making, they should be allowed to make even if it means they choose wrong and get burned. So the older they get, the more freedom and responsibility they get.

One thing I learned to stay away from very early on in my parenting was manipulating my children phycologically.

I found that if I spoke to them from true 'conviction', they heard that in the sincerity of my voice and saw my love for them in my eyes. Once I learned that, I would constantly make sure my heart and my mind were in sync before I attempted to teach and inform.

I am not a believer in managing relationships. But then the only thing I do practice managing is money and other material possessions.

That's great advice. Is there info on this somewhere? You gotta let them know who's boss because if they don't understand authority at an early age they will probably end up in jail anyway, and then they have no choice. If they do end up in jail, they probably deserve it. No matter how hard you try, some are just bad eggs..

What kind of liberal bullshit is this?

Your's?

You calling me a liberal? I got news for you fella, I believe in god and country.