Hi all,

Usually, I'm not a person who would post to an online forum asking for advice for a personal matter, but I have found that this forum has level-headed people who can discuss issues more maturely. Besides, I am in need of the perspective of a disinterested, third-party observer.

Well, to start off, about two months ago, I met a seemingly charming, talkative, engaging man from India, and he just started talking to me, matter-of-factly, as if we were old friends. I am usually shy when I meet new people, but this guy somehow got me to talk from the very start. Although I am only 17, I like to talk about serious things that are happening in the world, politics, culture, religion, etc., and he tapped into that hidden interest. That first day, he invited me over to his apartment. Usually, because of how my parents taught me to be wary of strangers, especially men, I refuse to go to strangers' homes, but his charm and conversation brought my guard down, and I accepted his invitation. He introduced me to his roommate and his other Indian (mostly male) friends who live nearby. There, in his apartment, we engaged in a lot of conversation, and I innocently thought that this was just the beginning of a great friendship, and nothing else. On that very day in his apartment, he used the worn phrase "It seems that we have known each other for a long time, even though we just met," and he asked me to kiss him, even though I specifically told him that I was a minor. He used some kind of warped logic and spirituality to try to explain why he made such a request. I should have been alert by then of his intentions. He created an image of himself as a responsible, caring, talented, smart, phD student. At the time, I didn't ask his age, but I later found out that he is at least 30. But looking at the bright side, we do share some interests, and he helped introduce me to a wider circle of friends (I had before been kind of closeted at home, and had very few, if any, friends), and gave me advice as a good friend, as to how to approach life, and we always have very interesting conversations.

This is really complex, because he is still a (not-anymore-close) friend, but it is today that I have fully realized his true intentions, and reflected on how his past actions revealed what he really wanted with me. I realized that he wants nothing more than sex from me. He is the kind of guy who could use some of his virtues to help his vices: he can sometimes be brutally frank, and he told me several times that he wants me more than just a friend. He knows, though, because I told him directly, that I don't like him more than just a friend. I can't blame him for being honest, but along the way, the initial respect I held for him is almost entirely gone. The image I had of him is now almost completely shattered. He even almost had my mom in his trap of charm, and she, actually, had considered that it would be a good idea for me to develop a long-term relationship with him, because he would be a very caring, responsible, faithful, husband, and have so many qualities that are hard to come by in men.

However, I now finally know the real side of him. I found out, from him directly, that he occasionally smokes and takes drugs, including marijuana and LSD, and he had the audacity to smoke in front of me. He is sleeping with one of my friends, or rather, more of an acquaintance (for the purposes of the discussion, let's call her Susan), and he told it to me openly. At least in that respect, he does have enough honesty to say it to me. However, he hasn't told me the other things he has done. It is from Susan's roommate that I happened to know that he is dishonestly telling Susan that I am after him, creating false competition between us. He is also going about telling his friends that I am after sex or that I am an easy catch, and that when I turn eighteen, they can start hitting on me. Who does he think I am, a whore? I thought that true friends shared secrets, helped each other, and did not go about spreading rumors. Due to my lack of experience, I before didn't realize the extent to which he had brainwashed me, but now I am in the know. I didn't realize how he has played me into his trap.

I have had with him a friendship with benefits. We had been, so far, very honest with each other, and we have talked about all kinds of things, including sex and relationships. We even watched several educational movies about sex, and even some porn, without going all the way to having sex. I have always told him "no" to sex, but he has had a really hard time respecting that. I did kiss him once, but just for the first kiss experience and nothing else. On several crazy occassions, he masturbated in front of me, and then swore me to secrecy. He used the excuse that all this was for giving me experience into men, and that as a special friend, he was doing this for me without asking anything in return. I guess I must have been so naive then as to believe him. Later, when I told him that I liked someone else, he said, "go ahead, get the experience, but I'll fuck someone else too." I also noticed that even though I was with him, he was flirting with other women, even at such unlikely places as the Dairy Queen and the bus stop. That was when I started to realize that this guy was actually a womanizer, a wolf in sheep's clothing. And what is even more ironic, his Indian friends call him "babaji" or saint. Sometimes I think life is too complex for mere mortals like me to understand, much less for a seventeen-year-old.

I'm sorry if this sounds confused or rambling, but I needed to tell someone outside my immediate family how I feel, and seek advice as to what to do about this. My mom recommends I continue my friendship with him, as he is still a good person to chat with and to give me advice, so long as nothing gets personal between us. I still feel that I could be his friend, but a lot less close friend, because he hasn't been as honest or trustworthy as he seemed. I do not want to completely burn my bridges, either, because he is very advanced in his field, and he could always be there to give me academic advice in my own degree. He himself told me that he doesn't want to hurt me intentionally, that he, himself, would like to be on a more professional level with me. I think I may still believe him, even through all this betrayal of trust. I am worried about my image with his friends. I told some of them that I would like to celebrate my birthday party with them, but now I am not so sure, because of what their intentions might be, with the rumors he spread. On the other hand, I don't think my dad and my mom would have a party for my birthday, because my dad, especially, is very strict. So, it would be better to spend my birthday with friends, but they have to be friends that I can absolutely trust. But with this experience of finding out that my once-best friend betrayed my trust, it is hard to trust anyone anymore.

I would truly appreciate any of your sincere advice.

Stay away from him and his friends.

Why didn't you leave when he masterbated in front of you?

I cannot believe your mother would tell you to reamain friends with a person who has done and said the things you claim. Have you not told her everything?

No, I haven't told her everything. She doesn't know even half the things he has done. If she did, she would ban me from ever seeing this creep again, of course with good reason, and probably even send him to jail, but that, for me, would be too much, I think because I am still strangely attached to him. But the thing is, I can't avoid seeing him, because he lives close by. And he would surely ask "What's the problem?" if he notices that I am intentionally avoiding or ignoring him, and would want an explanation. I don't want to give him one, and I can't exactly disappear from his sight. I agree that it is best that I break all ties with him, but I would have to do it gradually so that he wouldn't think that something is wrong.

Well then, how can she give sound advice when she doesn't have the facts?

Exactly. I agree she couldn't give me sound advice without having everything before her. I'm really afraid of telling her everything, because of the implications and the consequences that would follow, but do you think that despite that, I should tell her? I think she would probably not allow me to go outside the house without supervision, and not let me have any male friends at all, but that would be too extreme.

I agree, but I can also see where you're coming from by not telling your parents. Sometimes, these decisions have to be made on your own, but if you are relying on advice from your mom then she does need to know everything. It sounds as though you are justifying your continued relationship with this man, at least in part, because your mom says you should remain friends. What do you think she would say if she knew everything?

How do you know what she would say or do? Do you have reason to suspect your mother will not react in a manner which is in your best interest?

You should understand that your parents are going to feel they have been deceived by not only him, but by you as well. Dishonesty is a difficult blow to parents as well as anyone else.

I'm a lot closer to being a teenage girl than to being a mom, so take what I say with a grain of salt (rjwood can give you the parent's perspective). If your parents really are that strict, I think it would do more harm than good for you to tell her. You've learned a tough lesson, and it sounds like you've taken enough punishment. Your parents have to realize at some point that you are mature enough to make your own decisions and solve your own problems, and if they are the type to not allow you the freedom to do this with their permission, then it might be the appropriate decision to take matters into your own hands. Perhaps if you break off contact and show that you are strong enough to resist his charms and friendship, you can eventually tell your mom at a point where she will recognize your maturity and commend your decision, rather than freak out at the thought of her baby getting hurt and punish you.

I'll second what RJ said. Stay away from him. I'll also add that if you don't stay away, you are an idiot. Being around him is just asking for (not deserving) more trouble, and bigger problems. Are you wanting to see how long it will be before he rapes you? You need to decide what kinds of things you have a zero tolerance policy for right now, and follow it.

And go be honest with your mother and tell her ALL the truth, so if he does end up doing something bad to you, she won't have to hate herself for advising you to keep contact with this ingrate without knowing the whole story.

In all honesty, it seems they need to be that strict. Bcas has made some real bad decisions here and while I am happy she is seeking advice, she is asking for trouble by tolerating this guy and all of his friends, male and female.

I changed my mind. You do deserve anything bad that this guy does to you - to the extent that you saw danger signs, asked for advice, and were warned not go near him again, but gave him the opportunity anyway.

You really need to set your emotions aside, and I know that's hard in these kinds of things, and look at your situation rationally.

Fair enough. I've always been honest with my parents, but then again they've always given me the freedom to make my own decisions. It's kind of a chicken-and-egg thing; the kids I know who made the worst decisions always had the most strict parents.

Hey all,

Thank you all for your great advice! With the clarity of reflection and the perspectives you have offered, I absolutely agree that I should not see him again, and break my ties with him completely. I have made the decision to tell my mom everything, including my chats and emails with him, and show her that I can be trusted and be mature. I know I am partly responsible for having continued contact with him, but I am also responsible for making my own decisions and never seeing him again. I trust that my mom will see how I have matured through this experience, and not go to any extremes and block me from the outer world. The difficult part is in avoiding or ignoring his group of friends, who live in the same neighborhood.

Good choice! As for the people in the neighborhood, just go about your life like they are neighbors and nothing more. Good Luck!

You are a smart woman. Well done. Ten years from now, you'll look back and recognize this a learning experience, and you'll be thankful it didn't turn out to be a harder lesson than it has. At your age, taking advice and accepting responsibility as much as you are is a rare trait. You have a bright future ahead of you.

BTW, you'll also end up meeting more interesting people that aren't interested in taking advantage of you.

It is easy to be attracted to an older man with experience as there is an attraction in the forbidden itself. This man is obviously manipulating you by saying the things he thinks will eventually get him what he wants. From what you have said I don't think you can trust anything he says.

I'm glad you are going to tell your mother. I know its hard to admit this kind of a mistake to strict parents but admitting to the problem shows a level of maturity and even if your mother reacts badly initially she will eventually acknowledge and respect that.

Oh, and one last thing, bcas, tell this guy (if you want to call him one, I don't) that your uncle RJ would like to have him over for dinner one night. Tell him he would be my special guest, and your not quite sure what I do for a living, but I like Indian food.

Good for you bcas, that can't be easy. Good luck!

LOL

Having him over for dinner or having him for dinner?

There would definitely be something burning in my home that night and the smell would be rancid.