Background: me and my girlfriend have been together for about 6 months now. and for some odd reason i havnt ever been able to completely trust her. she has a drug past, but has stopped them(trust me there).
we were seeing each other on the side and not telling anyone and didnt really consider ourselves "together" for a month or so. then we finally decided to become a "couple" and tell everyone. once we were both in agreement to date, is when i consider our relationship starting.
she tells me she loves me etc, and has ALWAYS told me she never really liked her past boyfriends, but told 1 of them she did love them to make them shut up and stop asking her(which i dont really believe). when i would bring up her past with this said boyfriend she would alwasy get EXTREMELY offended and tell me to stfu, or just refuse to talk about it.

current situation: well me and her post on forums alot(or she used to) and i was bored bigging around my forums on my old post's. then decided to get on her forums and look around. i then found a thread that was made about 2-3 weeks after we were together and its her ranting on her old boyfriend(one she refuses to talk to me about) on how hes an ass, and he "really did love" her and all that jazz. so question number one is:
should i even feel negative about that thread in anyway, is it wrong of me to get offended?

now to continue, in our almost 7 month relationship, there isnt much i would say she has done for me...at all. she called me at 2am one night and asked if i would see her because she just missed me(did nothing physical, told her i wasnt in the mood). other than that, she always tries to tell me she loves me, and to be honest, ive never felt she actually DOES. now for my second question:
when asking her about "us", and being dead serious, and she changes the subject literally everytime and wont go back to it, would that anger you?


sorry for the horrible grammar and sorry for any typos, please tell me if this is "un-readable" and i can happily re-type is all and try to make it easier to understand.
ANY input is VERY appreciated....just trying to see other peoples opinions.

Depending on how long ago the previous relationship ended for her, perhaps there's still feelings for the other person or unresolved issues both personally and emotionally.
If she is just getting off the drugs, perhaps it's too soon for her and/or you to be committed to each other. Maybe she needs to work on herself first before trying to be there for someone else.
But also in all fairness to you, I would think that you would like to start a relationship that is open and honest too, even when it comes to past relationships, but even past ones have their moments of privacy to the person directly involved and it's just something that she may not be ready to share with you.
Good luck and I hope I somewhat helped or answered your questions...

You are just dating, so you are not bound to stay with her and her baggage. If you care too much for her to leave, you should decide not to let the old boyfriend stuff bother you. Its part of her past and part of her.

more background info would be helpful as well.

What are your ages?

What is the basic, general state of both of your relationships to your families?

What's in the past is in the past. Stop fretting about it. It's likely because of your chronic concern for her past that you can't believe her when she tells you she loves you.

Relax.

@badbadputer: they broke up 7-8 months ago because he cheated on her. ended up marrying the girl he cheated on her with btw. she was a huge pot head and started harder stuff a month or so before her ex cheated on her. she has smoked ONCE since we have been together, and nothing else. she knows i dont like it at all.

@Rasczak: its just ive always grown up being very honest with people i care for. and if i say anything about the ex or her past in general i either a) get bitched at for bringing it up or b) no response until subject change.

@rjwood: watcha need to know, ask away. im 18, she is 17. my family relationship, for this past year has been awesome, mom and dad got divoucred before i can remember, but actually talk now. mom remarried and dads single, lived with dad for past 6 months.
she has very POOR relationships with her fam. her, mom, and sister left dad a year ago, and right when we started dating she(mom) let dad move back in. g/f is scared to stick up to mom/dad in anyway, and usually to scared to ask to leave the house

@big dave: ive been trying to, just after awhile things add up and concern for your own selfs feelings come into play.

@belay: My advice is this. If you aren't sure you want to stick around for the long haul, then get out. It sounds like she has lots of issues, which will be hard on her and on anyone she's in a relationship with. If you really like her, and you want to make it work, then you should probably back off a bit emotionally. Here's what I mean. Hang around, keep it relatively casual, and just continue to be there for her. It sounds like she has some trust issues. The way to build trust is to be trust-worthy day after day after day. Over time, if you earn it, she will probably come to trust you. But don't try to force her into an emotional closeness that she isn't ready for. That can be very counter-productive. You're both young, and 7-8 months really isn't that long. Give it another year or so, and see if things change very much by then. Patience is extremely hard in a young relationship, but I believe it's necessary. Try to step back and objectively decide if she will ever open up to you, or if you think it's never going to happen.

Hope that helps. Relationships are hard.

i thank all you guys for your input. its all very VERY appreciated!

I would say, from reading your posts, your feelings are not a choice. Your feelings seem to be reactionary. There is no way for anyone else to tell you how you should feel, or even what is right or wrong in what offends you. I will point out that according to what you wrote above, you have trust issues (you are checking her posts on forums). That is quite normal for guy's who have witnessed strained relationships between parents however. Females usually have abandonment issues and fears (assuming you both live in a western culture).

It does not matter if it angers anyone but you. I am reluctant to speak to you about her. Lets try to focus on you.

Look, the two of you are young people attempting to live adult lives. I commend you for your endeavor to do this right. Love is not a switch people turn on and off. Love is a choice! It happens when people learn to respect and admire one another over a period of time after self respect and self admiration have been achieved.

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly” Sam Keen

Young people like yourself unconsciously attempt to secure your unmet needs from others who represent people who have been unable to supply those needs in your youth.

You can heal those wounds by learning to provide your own needs. There may come a time when you might want to confront (in a respectful fashion), your parents and possibly older siblings and talk about how you've been unintentionally hurt by them in the course of life.

You sound like a fine young man, and I am sure you will find your way through if you search hard enough. Everyone in this thread has given good advice worth considering, and as you can plainly see, are themselves decent people who have been where you are in one aspect or another.

The both of you are at an age that is sooo difficult. Relax, hold tight and keep looking for answers. All of which lie within you to uncover.

thanks rjwood. just gonna talk to her about it next time i see her and be completely sincere and honest about everything, hopefully she doesnt get offended.

I think talking open and honestly is definitely a good start, if she gets offended by that and your genuine concerns, then there's other issues brewing. Good luck.

When you do speak with her, try to take responsibility for your own feelings. Avoid using words like 'you' and 'your' and stick to 'I' and 'me'.

For example, rather than saying; 'I find it hard to trust you because I think you are being dishonest with me', say, 'I find it hard to trust people sometimes, because I have trust issues.' The first example is making her responsible for your feelings regarding mistrust, the second is a confession that you have trust issues, you realize it, and you are not blaming her for them. The truth is, any feelings you have were there before you ever met her.

Besides being honest, this will make it more palatable for her when you explain that you were looking into her forum posts and suspicious of her.

It is very important to learn to respect your partners boundries of you want to create an environment for a mutually respectful relationship.

I hope this helps.

we talked, asked her if she had feelings for the guy she was ranting about, she swore to me she didnt. she said he would always tell her that he loved her etc. she then also said they went over a month without even speaking because she just didnt feel like answering his phone calls or calling him back lol. was telling her how i have realized there is issues with me and trust. she acknowledged that she has some as well, but also said she fully trusts i wont hurt her. i havnt told her about the forum posts yet, and dont think i will. it would only freak her out and could cause more problems, i pretty much asked everything i needed to know, without telling her what i know. one thing that kinda hit me hard though, was that she told me her and a friend(not friends anymore) were going to buy...some intense drugs...for the summer and when she met me, i told her i hated drugs period, so she completely stopped using everything, and broke off her ties with everyone shes knows that uses. she also thanked me for coming into her life, and said if she didnt know me, she didnt know if she would even be breathing right now...which also hit me hard.

I second that!

The only thing I would add is that, I know, from my life, that I was always looking so hard for some thing, and could never find it untill I stopped looking. In other words, (RJWood pointed out) I was trying to find some thing to fill in the missing things in my life with a relationship, and this was just disasterous. It was one one of the hardest realisations in my life seeing the pattern I was in.

I still tend to jump into relationships quickly, but once I stopped trying so hard to find the perfect girl to make me happy, I ended up meeting one and we really are happy now. Thats not to say every thing is perfect or that we dont argue or what ever, but its just seeing that she is imprefect, and admiting that I am, and loving her the same. I guess what I am saying is that once you stop trying to make some thing work, youll eventually find some thing that just works, with out you trying, and that seems to be the best. Just let things take their course, and if you FEEL uncomfortable, or unhappy, then yea... its best to take heed to those feelings and break it off, or step out of the relationship how ever you can.

Good luck and good night... I cant believe I'm STILL awake (7am!!!)

Then believe her.

For now, you have no credible objective reason (as far as I can tell) to suggest she doesn't like you - it's all in your mind. Just try to stick to reality and never believe anything that isn't there. You're causing yourself unnecessary stress, and that's not attractive to either you or her.

Relax and chill out, my friend.

Pretty good advice in almost every situation. I only include the word 'almost' because I'm a compulsive equivocator.

thanks guys
i appreciate all of this and hope the best of you guys/gals. advise DID help and now me and her are on the same page.

thanks again, the "relax" advise was actually very good

Don't mention it!

@belay: If you are having a good time with her, and enjoy your relationship; then do not be paranoid. You should not care about the drugs and the other old boyfriend.

Although it is not nice for her to tell you to literally "stfu" about an important issue on your behalf, if she tells you so then remain silent.

Later on if it comes out to be that she does not really love you, then drop her.

You should not be so focused on the question of "her loving you". You should focus on if "you love her". If you love her, then you are enjoying your relationship and vice versa. If you do not enjoy your relationship then quit. Do not let it become like a tobacco addiction which you hate so much. If a relationship becomes a bundle of stress, then it is not the thing you are searching for.(Do you get the point? (do not be angered by this question, I am asking honestly)).

Take care and I hope she calms down and you two enjoy yourselves.

I have never messed with drugs nor has anyone I am close to, but if she keeps the drugs under control and doesn't get addicted or start acting too stupid I would say to put up with it if you can. If she starts to get addicted or starts heading in a direction that could hurt her, tell her you are concerned about her. Also if things get bad with drugs just be there for her and help her as much as you can. That will also build her trust and reinforce her feelings that you won't abandon her.