I must admit - many of this thread jokes aren't mine but there taken from the old modfree forum but you can still enjoy them and post your own jokes as well.

WARNING !!!
if you get offended easily - please do NOT read this thread. stop reading NOW !!!

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A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate.not fascinated"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Sherlock Holmes had a twitch in his bones
the kind of which causes despair
He scented a bloodhound that slobered a lot
and got himself wheelchaired instead

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack, you look like a f###### prick. :-)
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18+
What have a 9-volt battery and a female's asshole got in common?

Answer: No matter how much you try to resist, you're always going to stick your tongue on them.
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What's the difference between a Hare and a rabbit?


You can't pull a Rabbit out of your arse. :-)
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a married couple celebrating 5 years of marriage.
the husband asks his wife if she cheated on him.
she answered : only 3 times, but I did it for you.
husband : really ? when ?! with who ?!
wife: remember when you wanted to buy this new car and the bank owner didn't want to give you a loan, and in the day after he came smiling to our house and told us that he agrees to give you the loan ?
husband : really ? you did this for me ? that's a noble thing to do... go on... when did you cheat on me next ?
wife : remember when you felt on the sidewalk with heart attack and the taxi driver didn't want to get us to the hospital because we forgot the wallet at home ?
husband : wow, you saved my life, I thank you for that, tell me when was the last time ?
wife: remember when you run for the consul and you needed only 4.500 votes to win ?
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Two blokes were talking in a pub one day. One says to the other........."How long does a chicken last in a freezer?"
"Oh, about six months" saiid his mate "That's funny" said the bloke, "I put one in there last night and it was dead this morning"
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Confucious says: "man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day" but " man with hole in two pockets not feel too cocky".
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ok, this joke is very up-to-date and represents what we the Israelis think of our government.
it was very funny the first and tenth time I read it and it's holds truth in it.
I won't use any names cuz you won't understand it but instead I'll use their rules in our government.

A driver stuck in a very long traffic on a major road in Israel, and he sees that one man moving from car to car.
he comes to the driver and asks him to open the window.
"what happened ? why is all that traffic ?" asks him the driver.
"terrorists kidnapped our prime minister, our defense minister and our finance minister, they demand 1 million dollars or they will spill fuel on them and burn them alive !, I'm going from car to car to ask for donations " the man replies.
"wow..and how much every driver gives ?"

"ABOUT ONE LITER".
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he Minister for infrastructure of Venezuela visits his counterpart in the U.S. He invites the minister to his home in Rhode Island, a magnificent mansion with dozens of servants and a yacht in a dock of his humble sea side home. The Venezuelan minister is impressed and asks if the pay of his office is that good in the U.S., to which the American answers:

- No, the pay is not that great, but do you see that freeway over there?
- Yes.
- Well... 10% - Says the american with a wink, putting a hand in his pocket.

A while later, the american visits Venezuela and the Venezuelan minister returns the favor inviting him to his home. The american minister is baffled, he finds himself in a house triple the size of his home in Rhode Island, double the servants and luxury beyond his wildest dreams. He asks the Venezuelan if he's been following his advice, to which the Venezuelan replies:

- Well, do you see that freeway over there?
- No, I don't see anything
- Well... 100%
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Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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one man came to visit an old monastery.
he asks the priests why are they so sad and mourning.
the priest answers "it was written in our 1000 year old holy scrips that we should celibate"
he asks the priests for what they doing to maintain the monastery and buy food for a living.
the priest answers that they copy their original scripts from a copy they have and sell it
"really ? you copy the scripts from a copy you have ? but what if someone didn't copy correctly from the original script and your copies have mistakes ? I think you should check the original scripts with your copies"
the priest went to the basement to compare his copies with the original and didn't came back for a few days.
the man came to check on him and saw the priest crying out loud.
"what is wrong ?" asked the man

"the copies are wrong...in the original script it was written to CELEBRATE and NOT to CELIBATE".

now think about it...the holy Bible ?
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A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad."

St. Peter says, "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad."

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says, "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven."

The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad."

Moses says, "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad."

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks, "Who are you?"

The figure responds, "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand.

The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God, "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."

God says, "Ohh . . . You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"

The Muslim says, "I would love a cup of coffee."

God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey, Muhammad! 2 coffees!!!"
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian President, had just finished giving a speech at the UN, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked Ahmadinejad said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have recently seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

"Well", the Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek."

President Bush just laughed, leaned toward the Iranian President, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future... "
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A criminal and an engineer both die at the same time. However, there's a mix up and criminal ends up in heaven while the engineer ends up in hell. Initially, the engineer is depressed but decides he'll make the most out of the situation. So he starts designing and building things, the first of which being air conditioning followed by indoor plumbing. Soon hell isn't all that bad of a place to be.

Well, God finds out one day and decides to investigate. He finds out about the mix up and calls a meeting with Satan. God tries to talk to Satan about switching the criminal and the engineer back so each can be where they rightfully belong. However, Satan says no. God then states, "If you don't give me the engineer, I'm going to sue you!" Satan then replies, "And just where do you plan to find a lawyer?"
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Limericks
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There once was a girl named Jill
who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil!
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There was a young lady from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
In less than an hour, her tits were in flower....
and her pussy was covered with weeds.
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There once was a man from Granada
who was a tremendous farter
He could blow from his ass
Bach's b-minor Mass
and parts of the Moonlight Sonata
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A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number - give him a call.
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There once was this hooker named Sue
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it too
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There once was a man named Bush,
whose brain had turned to mush.
His ideas were half-cracked,
and they stunk rather bad,
for he pulled them out of his tush.
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Nice jokes, although you should consider removing the religion ones


Extreme Coder

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

A UNIX take on the old "Who's on First" Abbott and Costello routine...

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

Costello: No, what is it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So, which is the one?

Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

Abbott: Use 'what'.

Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Costello: Which one?

Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

Costello: I want to find the revision code.

Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Costello: Which command will do what I need?

Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Costello: Write what?

Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Costello: Cut that out!

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Costello: Do you always do this?

Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Costello: You make me angry.

Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.