Originally Posted by badbadputer

@delilahjed44 --
For years, and its been close to 5 now, i've tried to convince myself that issues with the ex were resolved on my part, mainly due to he was drunk and doesn't remember, well i have one that to this day gets to me, regardless. Nobody has ever been told the truth because he was drunk when it happened, he had a heartattack that was put on my shoulders by one of his friends and so I never said anything to the contrary of what he had accused me of, til now.
In Feb 03, we had gone to a Valentine's dinner at a club hangout, although at the time I had no clue, but have since learned that this was when he not only was drinking, but also experimenting with speed. Anyway, we had gotten to the club at about 7ish, by 8:30, I was told to take him home by the club owner or they would call the cops to have him removed. Not only had he started making comments about some of my friends, but he was all over the dance floor with the music they used during the dinner. So at this time, he was wasted on alcohol and speed. Anyway, so we are leaving, im pissed and not saying much, he gets in the car and says, fine if your going to be pissed and not talk, neither will i', thankfully it was a quiet ride home, unfortunately he didn't pass out like i'd hoped.
As he had made the night really miserable, and he was already getting mean, I had planned to drop him off, get him in the house and head to my moms. So, while i was gathering my stuff for the night, he had gotten out of the car and was sitting outside in one of the lawn chairs, mind you, Feb, cold and raining, I knew if i just left he'd freeze out there, so I went outside and said, 'are you coming in, it's cold out here', his response, and favorite towards me was 'leave me alone bitch', so i snapped back, 'freeze your f'n ass off then'. At this point and time, the chair went flying up against the wall of the house, he was pushing me up next to the steps of the wood stove, and pretty much attacked me right there, ok, not pretty much, he did. I got pregnant that night. I lost the baby in my 6 and a half month, not by him though. After the night I got pregnant, our relationship pretty much ended, despite his attempt to do the right thing, that ended quickly, in anycase, after losing the baby, he had just come home from Chicago, I was sitting on the couch and he rubbed my stomach and happily said, is it really gone? That in itself was and is still hard to deal with, however it's more of a stab in heart having him tell me that I, me, got pregnant knowing he didn't want any kids. As for why nothing has ever been told to him, when he returned from Chicago, with everything that happened, everything just blew up, we ended our relationship for good, I actually tried and/or considered killing myself, thats how bad of a person he was able to convince me that I was. If it werent for the help of a really good friend who was a police officer that I had known since I was 18, and whom was called on by responding fellow officers, my children would be without a mother today. I never told Kevin what really happened the night i got pregnant or the night I left the house for good, when he had his heartattack in December, I was in Arizona, his friend called and blamed his stress on me. So I have always taken that to heart and cant forgive myself for that, im trying, but still havent succeeded.

As i said, its been almost 5 years now, it took about 2/3 years to find myself again and work through these issues that haunted me for so long, and I have done remarkably well in doing so. I am the happiest i've ever been and moving forward.